Haughtline Dweethly - More Gardening

Now, I'm No Expert on Gardening ...

By Robert L. Haught

If I ever had a green thumb, it would be from painting a porch floor. If Donald Trump were a master gardener, he would never pick me for his apprentice.

(More Gardening)

It’s not that I don’t enjoy working with plants. Who wouldn’t derive pleasure from getting hot, sweaty and dirty to put a sprig of green in the ground and dare it to grow. "If it lives, it lives" is a good motto for the practitioner of the trowel and error method of gardening.

Getting down in the dirt is not what bothers me. (Getting up sometimes can be a problem.) It’s the bewildering assortment of products that are marketed to help greenhorns like me achieve the garden of their dreams — everything from "soil amendments" to "rooting hormone."

A trip to a nursery or a store with an outdoor living department is a fascinating experience. For a guy, of course, the first stop is the tools section. There you can find the perfect implement for your every need. Maybe you already own a shovel, but wouldn’t it be nice to have a transplanting spade?

And any self-respecting gardener should own a scuffle hoe and at least one hand cultivator.

Next are the gardening guides and books, which I’ve learned to ignore because the authors start out with such intimidating subjects as "understanding your microclimate."

Choices of plants are mind-boggling enough. You have to decide whether to go with annuals, perennials, bulbs or vines (forget seeds — they take too long). And if the sales clerk inquires if you want cell packs, don’t ask if you have to go to the electronics department.

Then comes the most challenging task of all: selecting nature’s helpers.

Down one aisle are arrayed all the compounds and chemicals designed to promote healthy growth: plant food, bloom boosters, fertilizer spikes, bone meal, iron supplements, time-release granules (no, you’re not in the pharmacy), grow lights and various types of watering devices.

On the next aisle are shelves filled with weapons of mass destruction — boxes, bottles and spray cans containing poisons to eradicate any flying, crawling or burrowing creature that might pose a threat to the security of your petunia bed.

Many varieties of insecticides blare forth their destructive qualities on bright wrappers. You can squirt, spray or dust, depending on your inclination. Fungicides and weed killers have a place of their own, because there are so many kinds. There’s even one product that’s guaranteed to make good plants grow and bad plants die. How does it know?

Then you have your gardening accessories. These include such items as gloves, knee-pads and multi-patterned head coverings. You can even buy a special holster for your cell phone.

The experts tell us that gardening is the most popular and least exclusive hobby, and that it creates beauty, benefits the environment and the light exercise it requires is good for the body.

Would somebody please tell my aching back?

This essay is from "Now, I'm No Expert on Cats and Other Mysteries of Life", by Robert L. Haught.
This book is available at www.iuniverse.com, www.amazon.com, www.barnesandnoble.com and other online bookstores. For autographed copies please e-mail your request to haughtline@gmail.com.